


I've Learned to Lose You

by Ukthxbye



Series: I loved you at the wrong time [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Emotional Baggage, Episode: s04e02 The Lying Detective, F/M, Hospitals, Is it a one shot? you let me know, It's For a Case, Mild Language, POV Molly Hooper, Pre-Sherlock Holmes/Molly Hooper, Sherlock Being Sherlock, Tumblr Prompt, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 16:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17389796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ukthxbye/pseuds/Ukthxbye
Summary: Before John makes his visit to Sherlock's bedside, Molly pays her visit as well. She talks freely as she believes him to be asleep and laments about the plan ahead of him.





	I've Learned to Lose You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Writingwife83](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writingwife83/gifts).



Beeps and alerts. Slow breathing. Molly’s hand slid on the rough hospital bed sheet, like sandpaper with a swoosh. She fidgeted with a well-creased wrinkle. Beeping steady, his eyes closed, and she watched for the twitches of dreams. But there were none. She swallowed hard as she leaned back in a stiff chair folding her arms, wondering if now she should speak. _He won’t hear_ _this_ _... or_ _maybe_ _he will._

 

“It’s a reckless fucking plan and if Mary was here, I’d tell her too.”

 

She wasn’t sure why she said it out loud. She expressed her concern to him before, right? No, she asked a million questions about details. Reminding him what could go wrong. He answered them all, and she nodded and it was done. Secrets set into motion once again. _Secrets_ _._ The word rang like an alarm in her mind. Like the beeping next to her. Incessant.

 

“Sherlock... if this doesn’t work... I know it will but… it might not” she murmured, as if to herself as she squeezed her eyes shut. She steadied her breath. Opening them again, she checked her watch.

 

“John will be here soon. But I had to come by and you are asleep like its,” a quiet throaty laugh escaped, nervously her fingers played with the end of her ponytail pulled over her shoulder.

 

“Like its nothing.”

 

The words that always sat at the tip of her tongue felt too heavy to swallow now.

 

“I don’t know if I love you. This is something... sure, but I don’t know anymore what to call this feeling.”

 

With a deep sigh, and checking his breathing and eyes once more, she sensed her thoughts flowing out, finding their voice, quiet but clear. She focused on the red dots and lines on the monitors. His face usually steals words from her and she wanted to say them to rid her of the burden.

 

“I did once, like a schoolgirl, and then it changed. Like all crushes do," she smiled to herself and bit her lip, a bittersweet memory sweeping across her mind.

 

“And then you were gone and I let it go just like I did you. I grieved it, and you in case, again, a plan didn’t work... and I was done… I guess.”

 

She sniffed, looking up at the ceiling. With a gulp she continued.

 

“Friends only, right?” she sighed, a slight smile curling again but fell to a frown as the lines her face creases tight again. “But you kissed my cheek and asked me for chips... maybe you loved me then in a way.”

 

She let her stare fall back to his face. Serene, she contemplated, soaking in the constancy of his breathing. As if in meditation. His jaw, peppered with stubble, soft and resting into his neck. His lips parted just.  Staring at him a treat she never indulged.  Minus the times it was in his eyes and she knew he held the gaze much too long as well. The ache spread from her chest out and up her throat as she searched her thoughts.  

 

“It’s not that I didn’t love you, it’s that I loved you at the wrong time,” she whispered.

 

She sighed into her hands and lowered her face into them, resting her elbows on her knees.

 

An absent tear fell, and she wiped it clean as she folded her arms to her chest again leaning back. “Not there ever was a right time for us anyway... Us. Silly I think of that word,” she curled her lip up and with a raised eyebrow snickered,  “There is no _us_ _.”_

 

She checked again but no change to his breath or the beeps to her left. Safe to ramble on as her mind wanted. Empty confessions as the words fall like leaves to only decay in the air. But the weight will not longer bear down on her.

 

“I should know what an _us_ is after all. I had it. So I thought... but again... silly of me in the end. Tom and me split. Then there was... everything else. Never ending it seems when one finds themselves in your circle.”

 

She caught the bitterness in her tone and swallowed hard. But the feeling remained, and she stretched to find its end.

 

“There were a couple others after Tom. Close call with one. Turns out he didn’t like kids as well as I hoped. It’s OK; Rosie didn’t like him. Toby either.”

 

She paused, her eyes focusing on his face once again, and whispered, “He always liked you even if you had no time for him”.  

 

She shook her head, shutting her eyes to reset her reflections.

 

“But I’m off topic now,” she giggled with a closed mouth, “If you were awake you’d have stopped me ages ago.”

 

She missed him suddenly, but that emotion made no sense she thought. But she deduced her own reasoning. She spoke the same as if by a graveside. For all her hope and faith in him in her heart, her practical nature accepted the other possibility. But the anger bubbling from depth she buried threatened her peace.

 

“But anyway, here you are again, asking me to help. Well, not even help this time is it?”

 

His eyes stayed still, breathing steady. She drew a deep breath through her nose and resisted the compulsion to slap him, clenching her fist tight instead.

 

“It's just so much to carry, that’s all.” The anger already dissipated.  

 

She glanced at her watch again.

 

“I am going and I’ll know what happens soon. If I... if this... Yeah, good luck I guess.”

 

She stood and risked a small caress of his hand. She spied his eyes twitch and froze for a second. When he stilled, she shuffled without a sound out the door.

 

A gulp, and his tongue licked his lips, dried from his feigning sleep. No time for all that swirled in his mind.  John visiting in moments to set the plan in motion. Then to finish Smith. And yet, a new mystery to unfold.

 

He placed it in her room where he could study her words later. They needed his full attention. But today there was no time. His chest ached as he waited for the plan to unfold.

  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you to Writingwife for the prompt.
> 
> It was from angst prompt on tumblr with the line, “It’s not that I didn’t love you, it’s that I loved you at the wrong time."
> 
> thanks to mouse9 for yelling at me for daring to make her cry.
> 
> tile from Billie Eilish's "When the Party's Over"


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